Friday, August 29, 2008

What ifs

Right now, I am taking a deep breath.

It's the Friday of Labor Day weekend. I've got projects that have to be done in the next few days, and I've felt very blocked, unable to even start. Those terrible "what ifs" are popping up: what if everything goes wrong? What if they hate what I've done? What if I can't make it work? What if, what if, what if.

Of course, all the "what ifs" point back t0 the basic anxiety of most of my life: What if I'm not good enough? What if I am not worthy of love?

So ridiculous, when I write it out plainly. But they have nagged at my heart and soul almost as long as I can remember.

I awoke this morning, ready to work. Got going on the household tasks first -- laundry, watering the lawn, breakfast. I had gotten to checking email, when I popped back upstairs for some reason, and looked out the front window. Muddy water was flowing down our street. The electric company crew, digging a few doors down, had accidentally broken a water main in the street. Water was flowing toward my neighbors' houses, which tend to have wet basements. Oh shit, you're going to flood my neighbors! I rang the bell next door, but there was nobody there to warn.

I didn't think about losing our water until the city truck pulled up. Just enough time to get a couple gallons of water into a bucket, wet down my hair and take a sponge bath with the trickle that was still coming from our faucets. Grumble, grumble, inside my head. Cursing the workers for their stupidity, tense about the uncertainties -- how long is the water going to be out? Why today?

Then I had to smile a bit, shaking my head. The universe sends whatever we need, for our greatest good, and today it has a sense of humor. It's telling me to stand back and breathe. Things are always in flux, change is in every moment, so why is this change so awful? The workers didn't do this on purpose. The city workers will get things fixed as soon as they can. This inconvenience isn't life and death. What is really important in this moment? Is it what I consider the bad timing of a water outage?

What if I simply witness this moment and breathe and feel a little peace?

5 comments:

nonizamboni said...

Judy--thanks for showing 'peace' in action. I really like how your gifted sense of humor enumerated each item that earlier had caused worry and pain. And the nagging 'what ifs' have been like krypton in my life as well. But I agree that breathing really helps as does a new day.
Hope you are able to enjoy the weekend and tackle those projects.
Mary Ann

inkberryblue said...

Breathing works for me too.
=]
I hope you're weekend's been full of peaceful moments.

Agnes said...

Judy...you will always be loved, and always be MORE than good enough. Never question that. Never sweat the small stuff...and it's all small stuff...but being human, we all get frustrated...

9milemom said...

I popped over to your blog tonight for inspiration!

You are awesome...and just the way you can turn a moment like this into something positive is why I come by your blog. My life has been full of some stinky moments lately and I have to spend more time than usual to figure out where the positive moments are!!

Thanks for the inspiration!

School is starting tomorrow and we haven't been able to move...so back to the same stinkin school district for now:-(

Suzee said...

Hey Judy - Mom said it best, but sure hope you are feeling better today.